Using The Wii Fit To More Effectively Dispatch Your Enemies

If you were to meet our shelver Jessica you would truly encounter a person of sincere friendliness, incredible politeness, and, at times, one rogue hiccup. You would never know that this girl who has a smile for everyone is actually a highly trained killer...and she loves killing things.

You may find this unsettling, but when you are on the frontlines fighting international terrorists, alien invaders, and interdimensional beings with powers so great they can caramelize your soul by merely looking at you, you have got to be one bad mama-jama. You want her on that wall, America...you need her there.

Now Jessica loved the postings about the Wii Fit and the Wii Fit room mostly because she is using this game platform to become even deadlier. You may ask yourself, "Hey, I have a Wii Fit and I can't seem to kill anything. How does she do it?"

Here's a couple ways:

Jessica has always used some form of kicking to mess up the bad guys. She has quite a stretch and, when wearing spiked heels, can easily puncture the eye of a cyclops thrice her size. Odysseus had to wait until his cyclops was drunk to do that. Jessica can do it as it runs at her full bore.

She was however, never very good with her fists. Well, endless hours of Wii Boxing have changed all that. Just the other day, Dan criticized one of her homemade cookies using the terms, "putrifying carcass" and "raw sewage".

One uppercut later, Dan's jaw was detatched from his face and it is made out of adamantium. It took us forever to weld that thing back on.

Now, I think Jessica's cooking is quite good. But, if she ever feeds you anything and you don't like it, just sit there with a smile on your face and eat it...eat it all!

But boxing is an obvious way to increase your lethality. And Jessica thinks her way right out of the mere box feature. She has discovered the most deadly form of exercise ever: Yes, you guessed it...yoga.

Yoga may be great for flexibility, body tone, relaxation, and all that jazz, but for centuries yogis have used this technique to access deeper parts of the mind, utilizing untapped areas of the brain and unleashing incredible powers.

What I am saying in the most basic sense is that Jessica is using Wii Yoga to concentrate highly focused thoughtforms, send them telepathically to her enemies, and explode their heads like that dude from Scanners.

So awesome.